i prefer a sunless sky to the glittering and stinging in my eyes

Happy

2008-08-15T12:33:00.001-07:00

I havent posted on this thing in a veryyy long time. But here it goes..

Ya Allah! I am happy! Unbelievable right? Well.. i am lol, and very much so!

I personally didnt ever think i could feel happy like this.

Theres just this feeling inside that i cannot describe.. though ive tried many times lol

Subhanallah its just amazing what Allaah gives to us.. when we do not expect it

Love me, or leave me alone.

2007-02-25T01:24:00.000-08:00

Im not perfect. Not at all. But, im better than some, no matter how hard they try to knock me down, its a wasted attempt. I dont pretend to be good. Im terrible. I have a lot of sins and i have a lot of mistakes, the most i can do is make dua, and try to improve myself. I honestly dont care what anyone thinks of me. Perhaps if i did, people would think better of me. But i dont. Im not interested in putting up a front lol. Im still not really sure who i am, figuring it out though as i go along. Still young, inshaAllaah there is time. I tend to love people way too much, im not able to love just a little bit, this can go both ways.. good and bad. Ive got a lot of faults, ask me about them some time. Ive got a headache now, so im going to end this post. =)

i miss you deeply

2006-05-27T03:05:00.000-07:00

as-salaamu `alaykom
indeed.. there are people i miss
whether its just cuz we've grown apart, or cuz i had to let go of them for some reason or another. amongst the people ive grown apart from- susu (everytime we start getting closer, we stop talking cuz one of us is in trouble LOL).. Meyeh.. youre on top of the list of those whom i love and miss the most.. you, my mother, and the other person i miss very deeply. although there is no reason for us to not be close, other than the fact that we are rarely on at the same time, we could make time, and weve got phones, etc..
i didnt name want to name anyone else here but.. if youre missing me.. chances are that im missing you too.. so why not contact me?
okay im done with this post.. ill do this again later.. salaam alaykom

Alrighty

2006-04-06T02:25:00.000-07:00

as-salaamu `alaykom

I havent really been posting on here, i guess i got caught up with other things. But i just feel the need to make a post now. I lost my friendship with a very close and special person earlier tonight, and although i feel like just going on about it, i dont feel i can let out all my feelings at this point. kheyr inshaAllaah. I dont have anyone now, at all and its better this way inshaAllaah because there is no use getting attached to anyone in this life, everything ends, everyone leaves, only Allah will always be there. Maybe Allaah is testing me, with this past year. Allaahu alem. But alhamdulillah i have really learned a lot, and i think.. grown up quite a bit as well in the process.
Anyway, i feel like im waiting for something, i just dont know what that is. But inshaAllaah Jennah.
Ill start posting on here again inshaAllaah. I know only like 6 people read this, but i think i will try and figure out how to change the blog adress so that i can give it to only a couple..

Superbowl

2006-02-06T07:14:00.000-08:00

So so so sorry all you Seattle Gayhawks fans!
The steelers got in thatttttt and it was sweeeeet. 21-10
yay =D
If i was a gambler, i would be telling all you Haters to PAY UP!
(but gambling is haraam)

was-salaamu `alaykom

oooweeee, so so sweet. =D

Cereal

2006-01-31T23:26:00.000-08:00

I like cereal at night. And i dont like one kind alone, i always have to mix at least 2 kinds =D
Its 11:30pm and im eating fruity pebbles, and its yummy, and ummm.. i didnt have anything else to say in this post lol

stwabewwyz

2006-01-27T16:43:00.000-08:00

as-salaamu `alaykom
SubhanAllaah i was having a very good day today. Feeling nice and everything alhamdulillah.
And a few minutes ago, it just got a whole lot better !!
Mohammed got home from his friends, and i went to ask him if he wants tea or anything, and he gives me a rose and the box of strawberrys that he bought me, cuz he knew ive been wanting strawberrys!! Everytime we pass by the mexican who sells them on the corner, i say "oooo ya Allaah" and he never stops, so i was soOo excited finally that i got them ! lool YAAAY!
man mashaAllaah the sweetness, ive got this big smile on my face and i cant stop! lol its making my jaw hurt but i dont care lol Allaahu Akbar man!!!! woohoooo

So right away
i washed one..

And
i ate it..

Im all smiles lol =D

The end =P

subhanAllaah

2006-01-23T21:17:00.000-08:00

Ya Allaah..
Okay so my cousin called us tonight from SF to tell us that my uncle had a heart attack, well he had it on Thursday but he barely called us today. So he said my uncle had 5 bypasses and they took fluid from around his lungs, i dont really know what it all means, besides that bypass is major surgery and it sounds pretty bad. Hes in ICU now. Alhamdulillah aala kulee haal
Please make dua..

shes comin comin.. back back.. to cali cali

2006-01-17T11:35:00.000-08:00

as-salaamu `alaykom..
Ranya is back !!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Allaahu Akbar i am so happy right now, my cousin is finally back and i missed her soOo freakin much ! I had a dinner at my house last night to welcome her back, kind of last minute but like everyoneee was there, so it was a pretty busy night which is why i didnt get a chance to make a blog post. (i soo intended to), since Umm Qaylah says that i never update, well im trying to outdo her now with posts.
So yeh last night was great ~ i made maklubeh, lasagne, fatoosh, tabooleh, kufteh and baklaweh and knafeh for desert, (my aunt brought the mansef and besbooseh) Yes busy busy. I would have taken pics of the food, however; it is an unhappy fact that my digital camera battery was dead =(
Anyway at one point during the night me and ranya snuck outside so we can talk and be together cuz we both missed each other, and we got caught by my aunt who, we both knew, was about to go off on us for being rude, outside instead of inside with all the company. But theres this thing with my Aunt.. a long time ago when we were younger we used to ask her why she always wore black (cuz she alwaysssssssss wears black everythingggg) so at that time she told us she has everything black cuz someone once told her she looks sooo good in black loool, so now everytime we know shes gonnan be mad we say "but but you look soooo good in black mashaAllaah" and we are, 9 out of 10 times, off the hook. She just laughs.
About 30 people asked me how i got this small cut above my eye, and i just told them all "i hit my head" (derf) lol not wanting to go into full detail, i left it at that, and noone questioned further cuz everyone knows im a hebleh anyway right lol.
Anyway my hands are cold and i got things to do so... was-salaamu `alaykom

In neeed of... something

2006-01-13T14:45:00.000-08:00

I need to make some changes
A lot of changes
Major changes
Ive been told that i need to become more optimistic, the way i used to be. And i think i agree.
People notice the big change in me, which occured shortly before ramadhaan, without knowing the reason behind it, only are they aware of the reason from shortly after ramadhaan, which only pushed me down farther.
Lately i had been feelng like im on a never-ending waterslide, going down, down, down, and just feeling weak and tired and defeated. What kind of attitude is this? lol this is so unlike me.. although im not really sure what IS like me these days, as ive sort of lost myself. After a long and rather meaningful conversation with someone they told me that i should sit down and write on a paper.. what i want in life, what i want for myself etc. At the time, i responded by saying that this isnt the kind of list i want to make (i usually stick to grocery lists with the ocassional pro/con list of something or other), and that id rather have someone else write it for me. Now i realize thats just ridiculous since thats the very thing im running from in the first place.. i dont want someone to plan my life for me (if they dont understand me).. im capable of doing it, and if i expect to stop being treated like a baby, maybe i should grow up, stop being a little girl and get out of this hole ive been in.
I always wanted to have someone who did understand me, so i would have someone to plan my life, speak for me, tell me what to do (its so much simpler than having to figure everything out alone) and just.. understand me. But now that i know this is not the reality of my life, i need to get over it. Its not going to happen. I will accept it now.
Im a very weird person, sometimes im nto even sure about myself lol
Ive been feeling much more up than down lately, past couple days. Which is an absolutely unexpected but welcomed change ! Alhamdulillaah !
Maybe im finally starting to recover from things that have happened. And although i dont expect to stop having the hard days in which im just depressed, but i think this may be the start of a better me, inshaAllaah. Like my precious Karimeh has in her display name.. "its a long road, when you face the world alone" butt how can i forget? He Who Has No One Has Allaah.
I want to find myself, cuz like everyone else.. im starting to miss me. =)
Anyway ill stop babbling on and on now lol, ill post later inshaAllaah when i get some time online. InshaAllaah i get some time online, cuz im reallyyyy in need of being around some deenin' people right now !!!!! lol Meyeh i miss you, yaaa Allaaah!

I was going to comment here about people who are not honest with me, but ive decided that its not worth it =) im over it.. its whatever.

may Allaah forgive us all and make us better worshippers of Him, Aameen.

T.G.I.. Monday?

2006-01-02T19:49:00.000-08:00

as-salaamu `alaykom
I had such a stupid and crazy day. So i chilled all day with my aunt (not going to get into that), then at evening lena wanted me to go with her out to eat, i didnt want to but my uncle told me i had to. lol
So, Lena, Ghada, Balqis, Jessenia, and I went to eat.. Where did they choose?

Yeh.. TGI Friday's. lol wack, and they were very embarassing as well, to make the whole thing worse, they thought it would be funny to have the people sing Happy Birthday to me and give me ice cream.
`audhu bellah, i thought i was going to faint. (no, its not my birthday anyway)
Then they decided to order almost every appetizer on the menu, yes yes, all very funny. ;|

Anyway, i ended up ordering Cajun chicken and shrimp pasta, without the chicken. Even though i was not hungry, i think ive learned my lesson about not eating though. inshaALlaah
And of course..

My big glass of ice water. And the crayons and kids menu to color on, that i requested.

After we left, they wanted to go hang out somewhere else, that i refused to go, so they took me to the park to drop me off.. we all got out at the park and see my brother and his friends there, chillen in the rain. (?)
So Omar says to us "what do you get when you cross 3 palestinians, an omani and a leb?"
Lena says "i dont know.. what?"
and Omar says "i dont know either but take Yasmeena home now"
(to which everyone cracked up, except me)
Yes, more entertainment.
Anyway, I then got dropped off at home, sat outside for awhile, to enjoy the quiet and fresh air. Came in the house, took a shower etc, and now here i am posting on this blog. I know my days arent filled with much exceitement but.. noone is forcing you to read this..
was-salaamu`alaykom

My Day

2006-01-01T23:59:00.000-08:00

Okay so the day was pretty boring. In the morning i cleaned my uncles house, then mine. Afternoon came online. Then my sister Lena had people over and forced me to sit with them, alhamdulillah it was only girls but.. not anyone i realy wanted to hang out with. So yeh we did henna, and talked, and other stuff. lol wasnt as bad as i thought it would be alhamdulillah.
Right now i am going to take a walk to the park. Its really cold but i really need the air. Taking walks to the park at night and sitting on the swings to look at the sky, is my new thing.
Im worried about my sister lena, i been trying to sit with her a lot because shes going crazy. ever since my mom passed shes been reallyyy acting out.. and im not really sure how to get through to her. When i talk to her about deen, she thinks im being corny and stuff, allaahul musta3an, i dont know what to say to her.
Okay, lol ive been sitting in a paltalk room and didnt type here for like 30 minutes!!! lol so yeh i guess ill just wrap it up here and finish later. was-salaamu `alaykom

2006

2006-01-01T01:22:00.000-08:00

Okay, so around midnight, i got about 6 txt msgs on my celly saying "Happy New Year!" I responded by saying "i dont give a shit about new years", except to one txt, from Naeemah who hasnt answered my txt or calls in weeks, and i was quite worried. Anyway not much of a conversation there, dont know whats up with her lately, inshaAllaah shes okay..
If you read this.. Contact me!!! kthnx.. =/
Anyway, its really 2006, subhanAllaah time flies!! I am getting so old lol

Night

2005-12-31T22:14:00.000-08:00

SubhanAllaah, one of the best feelings is being outside at nighttime. It feels so good. The air is soo cool and its so peaceful just looking into the sky.. beautiful. At this time i really feel things differently, and see things differently, and start to think of things differently. I was just sitting outside for about an hour, just trying to clear my mind and figure some things out.. and i may not have come to any permenant conclusion or solution but.. it was a much needed escape.
Its crazy when i think of how different everything was 4-6 months ago, and even more so, 1-2 years ago. Everythign has changed, everyone has changed, i have changed. And i guess its both good and not so good. Alhamdulillah aala kullee haal.
Alhamdulillah i know that Allaah is merciful, and this life doesnt matter, and the release for my pain and my depression is Jennah, inshaAllaah if i can get there.
I miss my mom a lot, and the advice she used to give me. Even though i didnt live with her.. now that shes not able to call me and i cant call her, its just hard. We were so different, like opposites.. but there were certain things that i go through that she understood better than anyone else.
I feel so weak and i really need someone, and meyeh is in the middle of moving, not that i should bother her anyway, im not exactly the best of friends, ya3nee overloaded with my own depression all the time, i feel that im never there for her when she needs me, so selfish. Anyway i always feel that i need someone, but when they are here, i just shut down, feel like i cant open up or that i shouldnt. I guess its me being uncomfortable, because i really dont like to bother anyone with my problems. There was a time when i had someone to talk to. Alhamdulillah aala kulee haal. Now there is noone.
subhanAllaah i always front like i dont need anyone, i started to convince myself.. but Allaah knows whats inside of me, and Allaah knows everything ive ever felt and ever wanted. And i can only continue to make dua that Allaah will help me.
Ahh well, ill shut up for now..

Falasteen

2005-12-30T16:59:00.000-08:00

So i was talking to my baba and basically he wants me to go to falasteen for a month, maybe for february, and then come back with him here to US, and stay until the end of next summer.. then go to falasteen for good.
I really want to go for february because i miss it there so much, i just love it subhanAllaah, but then again im not sure i want to go.. i think about the last time i went, back in august, and how disappointed i was, it just felt different than the last time i was there. Maybe because this time i realize how lost the peopel are. My cousins that are my age are all ignorant about deen, and into stupid western things. There was only 2 that i actually related to, and i spent my time with the really old women, reading Quran a lot. Which is good, but..
Anyway, am having mixed emotions about this now. Half of me wants to go, and half of me does not.
And there is the whole issue of "what if they dont let me come back?." With the plans im trying to make (so far unsuccessfully), i cant afford to have anything shady pulled on me, and get stuck there..

HoneyBaby

2005-12-30T16:35:00.000-08:00

i adopted this little guy, cuz i always wanted to have a pet tiger named honeybaby, or a baby turtle

adopt your own virtual pet!

This is my precious..

Here we go

2005-12-30T15:04:00.000-08:00

as-salaamu `alaykom
Okay, so alhamdulillah ive decided to start posting on here again,
now that everyone has forgotten about it, lol.
I deleted everything off of this blog back in Oct.
So i will be starting fresh! inshaAllaah this blog actually lasts more than a month.
Im not good with blogs..

So to start, random facts..

I confess that..

-I am obsessed with strawberry ice cream, and ice water

-I have a hard time hurting or disappointing people even if its the right thing to do, i get confused a lot and rarely do whats right

-i try to make everyone else happy which leaves me rather empty

-I front a lot and im not nearly as strong as i pretend that i am

-I am always cold, yet i cant leave my window closed, i loveeeee fresh air

-I am full of mistakes and my best intentions even go crazy wrong

-I wish i was a better muslimeh, and i do try..

-I miss people so much it hurts

-I daydream about being in J amongst the mujahideen, on a daily basis, i also daydream about getting married (lol even though i dont want to get married)

-I am bi-polar, manic depressant, and usually refuse to take the medication

- I hate raw onions but love cooked ones, hate olives but love olive oil, i love tomatos in everythinggg even plain, i loveee avocado with salt or in anything but not guacamole, I love orange juice but i love apple juice more, but apple juice makes me sooo hyper that am bouncing off the walls

-Ive never eaten Biryaani. There is someone who keeps promising it to me.. but has yet to fulfill that promise

-I am scared that i will not make it to Jennah

-I always feel very lonely

-I am always smiling and cheerful when i interact with people (in reality), and tend to make people feel very comfortable

-My favorite brother is Jalal, and my favorite sister is Lena

-There is nothing good about me

- Im severely anemic, and i am usually very weak

- I loveeee cooking, its like.. one of my passions

-I am young, yet i feel like im 60 years old and have lived my life, and in need of a martyrdom

-There are some sisters that i think are very cool, but im too shy to say because we are not good friends like that

-I love brown skinned people

-I used to want to have 27 babies