Night

SubhanAllaah, one of the best feelings is being outside at nighttime. It feels so good. The air is soo cool and its so peaceful just looking into the sky.. beautiful. At this time i really feel things differently, and see things differently, and start to think of things differently. I was just sitting outside for about an hour, just trying to clear my mind and figure some things out.. and i may not have come to any permenant conclusion or solution but.. it was a much needed escape.
Its crazy when i think of how different everything was 4-6 months ago, and even more so, 1-2 years ago. Everythign has changed, everyone has changed, i have changed. And i guess its both good and not so good. Alhamdulillah aala kullee haal.
Alhamdulillah i know that Allaah is merciful, and this life doesnt matter, and the release for my pain and my depression is Jennah, inshaAllaah if i can get there.
I miss my mom a lot, and the advice she used to give me. Even though i didnt live with her.. now that shes not able to call me and i cant call her, its just hard. We were so different, like opposites.. but there were certain things that i go through that she understood better than anyone else.
I feel so weak and i really need someone, and meyeh is in the middle of moving, not that i should bother her anyway, im not exactly the best of friends, ya3nee overloaded with my own depression all the time, i feel that im never there for her when she needs me, so selfish. Anyway i always feel that i need someone, but when they are here, i just shut down, feel like i cant open up or that i shouldnt. I guess its me being uncomfortable, because i really dont like to bother anyone with my problems. There was a time when i had someone to talk to. Alhamdulillah aala kulee haal. Now there is noone.
subhanAllaah i always front like i dont need anyone, i started to convince myself.. but Allaah knows whats inside of me, and Allaah knows everything ive ever felt and ever wanted. And i can only continue to make dua that Allaah will help me.
Ahh well, ill shut up for now..

Falasteen

So i was talking to my baba and basically he wants me to go to falasteen for a month, maybe for february, and then come back with him here to US, and stay until the end of next summer.. then go to falasteen for good.
I really want to go for february because i miss it there so much, i just love it subhanAllaah, but then again im not sure i want to go.. i think about the last time i went, back in august, and how disappointed i was, it just felt different than the last time i was there. Maybe because this time i realize how lost the peopel are. My cousins that are my age are all ignorant about deen, and into stupid western things. There was only 2 that i actually related to, and i spent my time with the really old women, reading Quran a lot. Which is good, but..
Anyway, am having mixed emotions about this now. Half of me wants to go, and half of me does not.
And there is the whole issue of "what if they dont let me come back?." With the plans im trying to make (so far unsuccessfully), i cant afford to have anything shady pulled on me, and get stuck there..

HoneyBaby

i adopted this little guy, cuz i always wanted to have a pet tiger named honeybaby, or a baby turtle

adopt your own virtual pet!

This is my precious..

Here we go

as-salaamu `alaykom
Okay, so alhamdulillah ive decided to start posting on here again,
now that everyone has forgotten about it, lol.
I deleted everything off of this blog back in Oct.
So i will be starting fresh! inshaAllaah this blog actually lasts more than a month.
Im not good with blogs..


So to start, random facts..

I confess that..

-I am obsessed with strawberry ice cream, and ice water

-I have a hard time hurting or disappointing people even if its the right thing to do, i get confused a lot and rarely do whats right

-i try to make everyone else happy which leaves me rather empty

-I front a lot and im not nearly as strong as i pretend that i am

-I am always cold, yet i cant leave my window closed, i loveeeee fresh air

-I am full of mistakes and my best intentions even go crazy wrong

-I wish i was a better muslimeh, and i do try..

-I miss people so much it hurts

-I daydream about being in J amongst the mujahideen, on a daily basis, i also daydream about getting married (lol even though i dont want to get married)

-I am bi-polar, manic depressant, and usually refuse to take the medication

- I hate raw onions but love cooked ones, hate olives but love olive oil, i love tomatos in everythinggg even plain, i loveee avocado with salt or in anything but not guacamole, I love orange juice but i love apple juice more, but apple juice makes me sooo hyper that am bouncing off the walls

-Ive never eaten Biryaani. There is someone who keeps promising it to me.. but has yet to fulfill that promise

-I am scared that i will not make it to Jennah

-I always feel very lonely

-I am always smiling and cheerful when i interact with people (in reality), and tend to make people feel very comfortable

-My favorite brother is Jalal, and my favorite sister is Lena

-There is nothing good about me

- Im severely anemic, and i am usually very weak

- I loveeee cooking, its like.. one of my passions

-I am young, yet i feel like im 60 years old and have lived my life, and in need of a martyrdom

-There are some sisters that i think are very cool, but im too shy to say because we are not good friends like that

-I love brown skinned people

-I used to want to have 27 babies